It started innocently enough. One day Julia and I were watching a Bravo marathon of Project Runway and there were a zillion commercials for singles online dating services and it caught my attention. I've been single for three years. Now I admit, saying that I'm single seems really weird to me but saying I'm a widow seems even worse. Little old women in a rocking chairs knitting comes to mind with the term widow and the only rocking I seem to get in is when we're having rockin' dance parties.
Sometimes I think I'm ready to think about dating, other days I'm not so sure. But I'll be honest. My chances of meeting someone are slim to none. I've heard of some women picking up guys in the produce aisle at the grocery store, but nothing is more attractive to a guy than a screaming toddler trying to escape from the cart and snot smeared across my black long sleeved T-shirt. While some people might think that's endearing, those people would be women.
Plus, who's available after 40? My guess is that the pickin's are slim. In your 20's you can guess that a lot of guys are available. After 40 it's safer to assume they're taken. So what's a girl to do? Out of pure curiosity, last week I signed onto eHarmony, just to see what kind of guys were out there. My luck, it would be a bunch of trailer trash guys looking for a woman to cook their catch from their latest fishing trip. No thank you. After filling out like a zillion questions I was given a list of 5 guys. Most were in their 40's and most seemed to be professionals with kids. No pictures were available unless I became a member. I thought "Well, I guess when I'm ready, there actually might be some decent guys out there." At this point it was all entirely free and I was given the opportunity to "join," which I choose not to do. So that was that.
Or so I thought.
The next day in my email inbox I received 5 new matches. I was now matched with 10 guys. I also got an email telling me that "Richard" requested communication with me. Say what? You mean they could see me? Uh oh! I ignored it.
The third day I received 5 new matches and 7 additional guys requesting communication. I now officially had more men then kids, a real phenomenon. I could hardly handle one guy, what I am supposed to do with eight? I was beginning to feel like I was on my own Bachelorette show. I've got 8 guys interested and I get to pick. Do you think Chris Harrison will show up and pay for any dates?
Eight guys. That's more than days of the week. How does that work? One every night and a matinee on Sunday? Makes me tired just thinking about it.
At this point I signed onto eHarmony to check out the cost. I haven't even seen what these guys look like and although I can communicate with them, I'd really like to see them first. Seems pretty superficial, I know, but nevertheless....
But I'm really torn. I'm not sure what to do. Am I ready for a seventh child? No, but I might be ready for a male friend. I know I'm not ready for marriage. I'm finally used to being on my own and being in charge. I'm not quite ready to hand over those reins to someone. I also admit that its all pretty scary. Dating, at my age. Really??? And more importantly, what man is going to want to date me when he finds out that I have SIX kids??? When would I find time for these dates? How do I choose?
So, I'm turning to you all for wisdom and advice. What do you think I should do? I would love to meet someone the old fashioned way, but does that way even happen anymore? Maybe I should just get a hobby instead, like macrame. Anybody need a hanging plant holder?
27 comments:
All the single people I know are going through the online thing. One is very happy in an eHarmony relationship. One met a sociopath on eHarmony to whom she is now engaged and she and I are no longer on speaking terms because he pushed me out of her life even though we'd been friends for 20 years (can you tell I'm bitter?). Another is a guy who is always looking for the next best thing on match.com and is as far from marriage material as I can even imagine. So, I guess my thought is to try it, but BE CAREFUL! Keep your eyes and mind open and keep your guard up at first. I can't imagine ever using online dating, but it seems to be the trend of the times. Hey, if nothing else, your dates will provide FANTASTIC blog material for everyone's amusement!! ;-)
As someone who met my husband on a 1-800 (NOT 900!!!!!!!!) number, I say go for it. I wasn't even looking when I found him, I was comfortable being on my own at the time, and God had other plans.
I've heard good things about eHarmony, but it's all third party info -- I haven't tried it myself. I hear their questions really do lead to good matches.
It would be very interesting to see how things go. Eight responses too many? Tell them you have six kids -- should weed out the non-serious ones quickly. :o)
Keep us posted! I'll be praying, Denise. It would probably be nice to have an adult male companion to break up the routine with, at your own pace, on your own terms.
I don't think I have ever left a comment for you but I've been lurking for a long time. It is my opinion that .............. it doesn't matter if you go online or stay home to meet men when the Lord wants you to meet the right one you will. Just pray about it and go on with your life. You are a wonderful mother and I'm sure you will be ok no matter what you do.
i'm like janelle, i have a friend who met her husband on yahoo personals and everything is great! however, my eye doctor met a woman via eHarmony and she was a con with a record in another state. he ended up in a BIG mess!
i'm sure you will, but just be careful, whatever you do and however you decide to start dating again. you can meet a nut-job in the produce aisle, too!
I never did the online dating thing when I was single...but I have two friends that met their spouses on match.com. They are both still happily married...although I will say I think they went through several bad dates to find the 'right' one. I bet that curiosity is really getting to you. :) I think it definitely wouldn't hurt to try it out, but just be cautious. It could be really good or bad....but most likely it will be a little bit of both.
Good luck!
I guess it's all about your expectations...if you go into it thinking "I'll have some bad but funny dates that I can write about and maybe I'll have a couple good dates where I make a friend or two" then you'll be fine. I think when women are desperate (which you couldn't seem further from) they make poor choices.
I wish I had better advice or wisdom to share...
If you did start online dating, you'd certainly have great fodder for the blog.
i met my wonderful husband on line ... in a writing chat room. neither of us were looking for a relationship - both of us were getting out of horrible marriages. 14 years later, we're still blissful. i know a lot of people who've met and married online and i know a lot of people who've been burned. don't think there aren't tons of men out there over forty, cause there ARE. just, as some of the others have suggested, be careful, be clear as to what YOU want, and don't be so surprised that there's tons of interest in you ... not only are you attractive and witty, kind and caring (i can see that through your blog) - nature abhors a vaccuum :). why not have some fun? :)
I say go for it. So many people are doing the internet dating and have had huge success with it. Not that you are looking for a ring. Look at it this way it is in a strange way a compliment to your husband. I know that kind of sounds strange but he completed a piece of you and did it in such a way that you long for that company again. He certainly touched your world in such an awesome way that you hope to find a male friend to try and bring some of that piece that is missing back. You will find the perfect guy and no matter how you find him it is totally all a God thing anyways. If he is meant to be in your life God will put him in it no matter what route you take. Go for it! It is at least a free night out!!!!!
follow your heart.
sandy toe
you can always try it out.....but you do not have to meet with any of them unless you want.
hang in there and just keep your radar on!!!!
As someone said above, as long as you go into this with some realistic expectations (of meeting quite a few lizards before you meet a truly nice guy), this could be fun. My sister is a single mom and she always asks us, where I am supposed to meet a man - the diaper aisle at Publix or the Playschool section at Toys-R-Us? When you've got kids, it's just hard to meet the right guy. I think on-line dating is good idea. Good Luck! I'm thinking you'll need it.
Go for it, Denise. My sister was a widow at 47. After around three years she did the online dating thing and she is not engaged to be married in October.
Nancy
If you're feeling ready I say go for it! You're a very witty and entertaining woman so I know these men will be interested in you. Not only will they be interested but you deserve it!
If you're ready then go for it. No one says you have to get married just to go out and have a date with another adult. Oh and if any guy is scared by the kids then he's not the guy for you.
In the meantime I'll take a green plant holder. And some matching pot holders too.
This was a very witty post! Loved it!
My advice? I wouldn't. Do you attend church? Anyone there? I didn't get married until I was 27 and the pickings were getting slim by that age and I was very picky, too! I can imagine it's hard to know how and where to meet anyone at your age and with kids. But I'd be terribly cautious about doing a matchmaker thing BECAUSE of the kids. There could be some nice people there, but I'd been worried about bringing some nutcase into my kids' lives!
Another widower would be great.
GO FOR IT!! Look at the Riggs Family, they met via eharmony! Daryl would want you to start looking ! There are guys out there that would love your kids!!! God Bless and Good Luck
PS the reason I know about the Riggs Family is that Brent posted how he met his wife. Both had kids coming into the relationship!
You can do it!!
Kathy
Good friends of ours met online. He went through several "not so perfect" people before meeting his wife though.
But I agree with the others. Be careful. You just never know what these guys are really like.
Personally, I hope you get some goofy ones right off the bat so you can tell us all about it.
Just kidding. :-)
GO FOR IT!! WHY NOT!!
I have to say that the idea of being single again would scare the BEJESUS out of me but your heart and mind are telling you something.
You won't know how bad it is until you try.
Of course be smart and safe about it.
Don't forget to be home by 11. Wear clean socks, oh wait or is that underwear ;)
And don't snort when you laugh!!
Seriously girl, if you think it is something to look into, then do it. You deserve to be wined and dined. Or at least just make a friend.....
KEEP ME POSTED!!
After being divorced for almost 6 years, i joined e-harmony. I was hesitant, but i was finally ready to meet someone. I signed up for three months...my last match was with Robert. I was his first match. Of course, he signed up for a year, lol...
We started off very slowly....first we communicated via eharmony and then on our own. For 6 months, we emailed and talked on the phone. He lived almost 3 hours from me; it gave us a chance to talk without having to worry about meeting quite yet. I know that i'll get laughed at for this, but before i met him, i told him that i wanted to run a credit check and a police report...and he could do the same on me. After a huge laugh, he agreed. I am cautious by nature and after my first marriage, lol, i felt that i needed to be! After all, this time, i refused to settle and he felt the same way.
We married almost 3 years ago...and adopted Emma.
E-harmony even sent us a wedding present from Tiffanys. :))
I say go for it...but keep other options open like church, etc. What i did like about eharmony is that it asked the questions that were important to me: religion, children, etc. I felt 'safe' on eharmony...i followed the rules and communicated through them. I did meet 3 other men who became really great friends, but no more.
Good luck to you on this, Denise, and please update on how things go!
my best friend met her husband on eharmony. I have another friend who met (I think they got married) hers there too. My philosophy about it is if you are truly ready you may truly meet a great guy. I wasn't and didn't.
When I read your comment on FB about how you were going to drink a glass of wine to write this post, I just had to laugh. I am in no way ready to date. My divorce is not even final yet but on Valentine's Day, I was feeling a wee bit lonely and I had a few glasses of wine...when out of nowhere on FB, an add for yahoo personals popped up. I filled my glass and went to the site. It allowed you to put in your zip code and pull up available men in your area. I could not read their profiles without joining but I could see their pictures. I laughed til I cried and I even think I tinkled on myself just a little. I need to move away from rural Appalachia before dating!!!! Anyway, I am mending my somewhat broken heart and ready to live vicariously through you. Venture out there! I think eHarmony is a great place to start and can't wait to follow this JOURNEY/ADVENTURE!
I met my boyfriend on plentyoffish.com, all 100% free!!
I didn't even have to do any work, my friend set up a profile for me on a whim, and my boyfriend was the first one to start talking...within a week!
I met my boyfriend on plentyoffish.com, all 100% free!!
I didn't even have to do any work, my friend set up a profile for me on a whim, and my boyfriend was the first one to start talking...within a week!
I met my boyfriend on plentyoffish.com, all 100% free!!
I didn't even have to do any work, my friend set up a profile for me on a whim, and my boyfriend was the first one to start talking...within a week!
Sorry that posted so many times....I don't know why that happened :(
Denise I say GO FOR IT!!!! I have a married couple that are good friends and they met on Match.com and their relationship is awesome, just go for it, what do you have to lose???? Keep it simple and just have some fun, Denise you deserve it more than anyone I know.
Love, Kristy
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