Thursday, March 12, 2009

Life Lesson Thursday

Yes, it's time again for a Life Lesson Thursday. It's an opportunity for wise Mommy to impart her wisdom upon her children while you dear readers eavesdrop.

Today's life lesson will be about lessons I have learned from eHarmony. Obviously, my precious children, this lesson is not for you so run along and go play with scissors or something.

So many men, so little time.
I have been matched with a total of 29 men. Whew! Some must have seen the picture of me with my kids and wrote me off. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Mine screams FIVE KIDS. (I posted a pic with Ross on down) I got about 10 "Matched Closed" notices without even communicating.

I think I have an unusual approach to eHarmony. Every time I get a "Matched Closed" notice I breath a sigh of relief. Bet you won't see that on eHarmony commercial. It just narrows down my options.

That leaves 18 guys. I can have my own Bachelorette show. I better get some roses.

The Dating Game.
{Dating game music in background}
Bachelor #1: He likes dating women with large families. He lives in the country. He's an IT geek. He posts photos of his children that are at least 5 years old. Meet Bachelor #1!

Bachelor #2: He wants to know what personal habits are important to you. Enough said. Meet Bachelor #2!

Bachelor #3: He's looking for the "real thing" not Pepsi. He wants to know your thoughts and feelings on intimacy in your relationship. He just lost his job. Meet Bachelor #3!

{Que Pina Colada music. Obviously I've watched way too much Shrek. Correction, HEARD way too much Shrek.}

I'm in communication with 8 guys, well 7 now because I scared Bachelor #1 off. He told me how much he loved living on his 3 acres out in the middle of nowhere land and I told him how much I love living on my cul-de-sac. Bye, bye.

Bachelor #2, I'm tempted to tell him that I take a shower every Saturday night whether I need it or not. Tooth brushing is optional.

Bachelor #3, Intimacy in my relationship. Really? And he hasn't even bought me dinner yet... oh that's right, he just lost his job!

I think its safe to say these guys are outta here!

And then there were five.
But not really, because 3 of those 5 are stuck in the very early stages of communication. And they've stayed there for awhile. This is online dating's version of "He said he'd call but he never did."

He sends his multiple choice questions like "How much personal space do you need?" and "Are you passionate person?" You answer the questions and send him your own multiple choice questions:

Are you currently employed?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Define employed.
d) If I'm a crack dealer does that count?

Do you lay around all day drinking beer and watching TV?
a) No
b) Yes
c) Only on the weekdays, I'm at the race track on the weekends
d) Nah, my TV's broke so I hang out at the corner bar. Can you pay my tab?

Okay not really, but they should be choices. You send your real questions and then you wait for him to call reply. And wait. And wait. I think I'll go wash my hair. Oh wait! It's not Saturday night.

Again, a big WHEW!!! Three more bite the dust.

And then there were two.
I'm in what's called "Open Communication" with both these guys. Open communication is when you've gone through the multiple choice and open answer questions and you can now communicate freely but safely. It's like you have your own personal message board and you post you notes there so no email addresses are exchanged. Guy #1 sent me his first open communication on Friday. I answered on Sunday and we've sent each other notes every day since. In fact, yesterday we each sent two. So far, I really like Guy #1 and that scares the bejiggers out of me.

Yesterday, I was happy that Guy #1 seems to be going well and I got a notice that Guy #2 sent me a message! Oh my! So I logged on and read his message and he tells me that from my answers I appear as lovely on the inside as I do on the outside. That I am a breath of fresh air and he feels honored to have the chance to get to know me better. So I answered him back.

Then suddenly I feel very guilty. How can I be cheating on Guy #1 ??? Uh, hello Denise! It's The Bachelorette online dating! You're supposed to be talking to more then one person. The only thing is before I narrowed it down to 2, I had a hard time keeping them all straight. Apparently my brain isn't hardwired to juggle guys. Kids, yes. Guys, no.

Then another thought occurs to me. Guy #1 now knows I have a blog but doesn't know the name of it. But how hard would it be to find it? So tonight I Google Blog Searched "Denise Six Kids" and I'm #2 on the search result list. Just below OctoMom. How flattering is that? Why, I'm almost a celebrity! Obviously easy to find. But wait. What if he doesn't know about Blog Search? What if he just Google's me? I'm in the top 2 spots. My book blog is #1 and this blog is #2. Uh oh.

Hi Guy #1! Loved your message tonight! Just ignore all this talk about other guys. And my lusting after Sawyer. And Tyler Florence. And skip on by the videos of me dancing at home, in Price Chopper, any videos at all now that you mention it.

Life Lesson #2: Don't write about other guys in your blog. Your pseudo cyber boyfriend might get jealous. Also be careful about videos you post. Your killer dance moves might scare him off.


Beth said...

what a hoot! All this "new" communication can be a blessing or a curse!

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHAAHA I'm scared for you and not because one of them might be an ax murder (my mom actually said that to me once.) but because I want things to go well, I want them to be nice, and I'm feeling protective of you. Maybe you should have a committee of blogger buddies to screen them for you? Come, on we could do it!

Sandy Toes said...

OH my amaze me...I love your answer "it hasn't brought me dinner"!

sandy toe

Brandy said...

You are so funny! I literally LOL'ed at this post.

So hey dude, not only does she sing, dance and make funky commericials BUT she is a comic too!

Oh and she's got great pals...if I do say so myself!

Karen (KayKay) said...

Oh my - this is so funny! Hopefully your bachelors won't be tracking down your blog. It really is a brave new world out there.

Christina said...

HaHaHa... "If I'm a crack dealer doea that count!".

Dating sucks! But don't give up... happiness is just around the corner (hopefully not stand with the crack dealer!)

Heather said...

Hello Bachelor #1. Welcome to Denise's blog. Should we come up with our own questions for him?

The Johnson 5 said...

I think that we your BLOGGING GIRLS, should have to question this guy first!
You know we have your back and we could weed them out for you :)

Regina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Regina said...

Guy #1 would be lucky to have you.
You are hilarious!!

Carey-Life in the Carpool Lane said...

It all seems so civilized. Go ahead...ask him out...take him dancing so he can see your killer dance moves!

What an adventure! No regrets, right?

RamblingMother said...

I am sensing that you may not quite be ready for this eharmony thing. I have BTDT. But goodluck with it. Works for some.

Jill said...

Hmmmmm, Denise...I have learned so very much from Life Lesson Thursday...#1 sounds interesting...I think you should throw him a bone...which you did, 'cause if he is worth his salt he would have MOST CERTAINLY googled you!

Now, in all the info provided, I hope you were totally honest about your CRACK BAR addiction!! If you give it up I will have to completely take over which will give me both GUILT and GLEE! (And a bigger jean size too!)

Kristin said...

See, I told you doing online dating would be good blog material. Who was right?? Yes, you know it.

Now, back to the men. Take each day one at a time. Exchange your emails and see what happens. After all, the worst would be a night out without kids. How bad could that be?

Uh...never mind. It could be bad. You can always order an extra drink if it's really horrible. That would help. Well, it would help me.

I still like Guy #1. :-)

Kristy said...

You are such a hoot!!! I love reading about the EHarmony happenings in your life!! I really do want you to find the most special persom in the world, no other person I know deserves it more.
Love, Kristy

Kristy said...

You are such a hoot!!! I love reading about the EHarmony happenings in your life!! I really do want you to find the most special persom in the world, no other person I know deserves it more.
Love, Kristy

Kristin said...

Ha!! You are so funny Denise! Good luck with all your many men! LOL Whoever you end up with will be lucky to have you!!

Beth said...

The one thing you haven't told us is if these guys live near you. Are you going to be calling them in China or do they live near you? Can you go on a real date or just a phone date? Details REALLY matter here. :) The way to really weed out the bad ones is to bring your smallest child with you to lunch to meet for the very first time! :)

HoneyB said...

It is a shame that good women like you are hard to find! Seriously! I'd hook you up with my brother....but then you might not like me. he he. Loved this post, you are so darn real and I LOVE THAT!