Bureaucracy

Some people might call me a procrastinator, but procrastinator's such an ugly word. We could dissect it like we did back in English class pro (prefix) cras (root word) inator (suffix) Can you see why it's so ugly? The root is cras(s) which means:
without refinement, delicacy, or sensitivity; gross; obtuse; stupid:
crass commercialism; a crass misrepresentation of the facts.

See, that's not me at all, even if some might disagree. But I propose it applies to my local county government, although I've personally used another word.

The great state of Missouri requires its residents to pay personal property tax. In the four states I've lived in, it's the only one to do so. Whatever, right? The states get their money one way or the other. Only it really became What the...? (and it wasn't even Wednesday) when I tried to get my license plate tags for my cars. Ross' car tags expired first so I took the title, proof of insurance and state inspection to the Department of Revenue. I waited in line for about 30 minutes, went up to the counter and they asked for my personal property tax receipt from the previous year. Uh oh. I don't have one 'cause I didn't live here. You can tell that from the fact that my title says Tennessee and has a Tennessee address, right? Wrong.

"All we need is a waiver from the county court house saying you lived somewhere else and weren't required to pay taxes. Here's the directions to the court house."

So off I go, ever the Pollyanna, to the courthouse to get my slip of paper. I was practically skipping along swinging my basket full of posies, only I was driving and it's hard to swing your basket outside your car window while you're parallel parking. I get to the court house, go through security and wait in line for almost an hour in the assessors line. Yet, still, I'm optimistic. Why? I dunno. Hello! I'm waiting in a county courthouse.

I got up to the counter and explained my situation, fully expecting my waiver to be printed up at any moment. "I need the receipts of your personal property taxes for the last two years." The completely disinterested woman behind the counter said.

"No, you don't understand," I replied trying to reason with her. "I lived in Tennessee the last 3 years. We don't pay personal property tax there. I don't have any receipts." Seriously. I was in a state surrounded by states that don't have personal property tax. Couldn't they keep a list or something?

"Then I need the two previous years car registrations." I seriously wondered if she was about to drop off to sleep.

"But I bought one of my cars last year. I don't have 2 years registration on it." Did I even have 2 years on the other 2 cars? Do people keep those?

"Then I need utility bills for the months of January for the previous 2 years showing that you lived in Texas..."

"Tennessee..."

She looked at me like I had grown another head.

"But my titles say Tennessee. Why would they say Tennessee if I didn't live there? One is from last April, see? That proves I didn't live here on January first. Can't you take that?"

"I'm sorry, you'll have to provided something from the approved list." She unceremoniously presented me with a very smudged, obviously over copied, list of approved documents.

I realize that Missouri is The Show Me State, but they were taking this a bit too far.

I was becoming frustrated. "I've waited in line for an hour. The Department of Revenue sent me here. I didn't even know I needed this documentation. They should really tell you that and not waste people's time."

"Ma'am, we don't have control over the Department of Revenue. Next."

So I went home, a bitter and changed woman. Shafted by the woman. I whined. I complained but ultimately, I needed some approved documentation. Easy, right?

Not when this is your filing system. (don't judge me, just come file it for me.) And because this is my filing system and it was a major pain in the booty to find what I needed (although some older stuff was filed in real files) and because I wasn't eager to stand in that line again, and because I actually had to take my van somewhere to get a state inspection, I put it all off. Until today. Well, I got the inspection last Saturday, but the rest I did today because today was April 30 and my tags expired in April. Uh oh. The problem with a filing system like this, because obviously everything else about it works, is that it's difficult to find what you need. (Really???) So I found a utility bill from February 2008 and from November, 2007. It wasn't January, 2008 but it was good enough. Right? Hahahaha! You're so gullible. We're dealing with the county bureaucracy here.

I went back to the court house more jaded than before but believing in the reasonableness of my fellow humanity. This time I got right up to the counter. I showed the man my utility bills.

"I can't accept these. I need January."

Are you friggin' serious?

"But this one is for February and the other is for November. This shows I lived there from November through to at least February, showing that I lived there on January 1st." I had a smile on my face because we all know you catch more flies with sugar.

"The problem is that people hop around. They move around to avoid having to pay."

Honestly, if someone is that determined to get out of paying $100 that they move their entire household from an area that does require personal property taxes to a state that doesn't and then moves back a month later, then they can keep their $100. Give them credit for tenacity or frugality. Obviously their going to need that $100 for their mental health bills because health insurance only covers 50%.

But that didn't help me right then. And the whole logic fell through anyway since I wouldn't have moved to avoid the personal property tax since I didn't have to pay it anyway. Too bad the county assessor couldn't reason like that too. I had three choices. I could go home and look for January. I could get mad and throw a fit. Or I could beg. I'm not above begging. Or is it below? I'm not sure because my eyes were closed.

"Please." I begged, careful that I sounded needy but not overly desperate. "I promise I didn't move. I was there. Really, I moved in June, June 1st. Please don't make me go find January. This is my second time here and I had to wait over an hour that time before I even got the counter."

"Well," I could see he was softening. "I'm really not supposed to. I'm supposed to have January."

"But that one's for February. I didn't move. I was really there."

"I'm really not supposed to but I can see that you've got a good sense of humor and a nice smile so I'm going to go ahead and accept it."

What have I been doing wasting my time on eHarmony? All needed to do was go to the county courthouse, do a little begging and I got me a man.

He processed my paperwork and printed out my waiver. As he handed it to me he hesitated holding it out to my like one of Willy Wonka's golden tickets. "Now don't you lose that smile."

I was smiling all right, because I finally got my waiver and subsequently my tags. And maybe a man. At least he has a job right? That's already a step up from some of those eHarmony bozos.

Denise's Big Weekend

Trace might get a week, but I was pretty satisfied with just a weekend. Hey, beggars can't be choosers especially when I hardly even get a day.

My weekend stared Friday night when Guy #1 asked me out on a date, yep a real LIVE date. Those of you who have befriended me on Facebook know this already when I posted a frantic message:

I just got asked out on a REAL date!!!! OMG!!!! What do I do????

I got 18 responses, all telling me to go. So of course I said yes. But the date wasn't until Sunday afternoon, so I still had Saturday to fill.

Saturday I had an appointment to get my hair cut and colored at the salon that did my hair when I got my makeover last August, oh and did I mention I hadn't had my hair cut or colored since that visit? I actually made the appointment before my big date, but it didn't hurt that I got beautified before. In reality, I made the appointment because of a photo shoot that we had on Monday. But more on that tomorrow.

When I got to the salon and sat in the chair my neighbor was sitting in the chair across from me! That was a huge surprise and added to the fun of my visit. Lori saw how cute I looked in my black vinyl cape and asked me out to lunch. Wow, this dating thing really has seemed to snowball.

Okay, I have to wonder why I don't go to the salon more often? I had so much fun, who knew? My colorist (because I'm just special enough to have a stylist and a colorist) was a hoot! He told me many stories but the most exciting one was that he was sued by a client and went on Judge Joe Brown. While I admit that it's not the most reassuring fact to know that the man putting chemicals on your hair was sued for ruining a woman's hair, I believed him when he told me that she had had it ruined by someone else and she asked him to fix it. He said it so convincingly. And he was almost done painting my hair.

After my chemicals were washed out, it was time for my cut. Both Allen and Safe, my stylist, knew I was going on a date and Safe especially had words of wisdom and advice. I started thinking "Who didn't know about my date?" Poor Guy #1, he had no idea that hundreds of people knew about his existence!

After I was done at the salon, I met Lori for lunch and had an awesome time. And I had been gone from home for 4 hours. When I got home, you would have thought it was 4 days. The nerve of Mommy to have fun without her pack of children!

My date was on Sunday afternoon. We were meeting to see Slum Dog Millionaire.(Although my brother Kevin tells me it wasn't a real date, it was merely a get together. He says a real date involves dinner.) We met early so we could talk before the movie started. He was a really nice guy and I had a great time. When the movie was over, we stayed for the credits and talked. He then walked me to my car and we said goodbye.

And this has been the source of much discussion over the last 24+ hours.

He didn't ask me out for a second date. Some people think he didn't want to put me on the spot or maybe he was worried I say no, so he would ask me via eHarmony like he did last time. I told my friend Sandra that I was sure it wasn't because I told him I had a wedding dress in my closet and it was really better suited for a summer wedding. ;>)

At this point, I haven't heard anything from him and this is what I've decided: I was me. I was the real me, albeit the socially acceptable me, and if he doesn't want to see me again, then that's okay. I think I'm in a good place. Twenty years ago I don't think I'd be this way, I've grown up enough to know that I'm not going to change to make a man happy. He needs to like me just the way I am, craziness and all.

But it still doesn't stop me from checking my email.



Hey, do you want to be my friend? If you want to be my Facebook friend, let me know and I'll tell you how to find me.
Edited Monday morning: Some of you have expressed interest in befriending me but you don't have email addresses to send you the info. So, I'll just save us all a bunch of trouble and give you my name here: Denise Grover Swank.

Life Lesson Thursday

Yes, it's time again for a Life Lesson Thursday. It's an opportunity for wise Mommy to impart her wisdom upon her children while you dear readers eavesdrop.

Today's life lesson will be about lessons I have learned from eHarmony. Obviously, my precious children, this lesson is not for you so run along and go play with scissors or something.

So many men, so little time.
I have been matched with a total of 29 men. Whew! Some must have seen the picture of me with my kids and wrote me off. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Mine screams FIVE KIDS. (I posted a pic with Ross on down) I got about 10 "Matched Closed" notices without even communicating.

I think I have an unusual approach to eHarmony. Every time I get a "Matched Closed" notice I breath a sigh of relief. Bet you won't see that on eHarmony commercial. It just narrows down my options.

That leaves 18 guys. I can have my own Bachelorette show. I better get some roses.

The Dating Game.
{Dating game music in background}
Bachelor #1: He likes dating women with large families. He lives in the country. He's an IT geek. He posts photos of his children that are at least 5 years old. Meet Bachelor #1!

Bachelor #2: He wants to know what personal habits are important to you. Enough said. Meet Bachelor #2!

Bachelor #3: He's looking for the "real thing" not Pepsi. He wants to know your thoughts and feelings on intimacy in your relationship. He just lost his job. Meet Bachelor #3!

{Que Pina Colada music. Obviously I've watched way too much Shrek. Correction, HEARD way too much Shrek.}

I'm in communication with 8 guys, well 7 now because I scared Bachelor #1 off. He told me how much he loved living on his 3 acres out in the middle of nowhere land and I told him how much I love living on my cul-de-sac. Bye, bye.

Bachelor #2, I'm tempted to tell him that I take a shower every Saturday night whether I need it or not. Tooth brushing is optional.

Bachelor #3, Intimacy in my relationship. Really? And he hasn't even bought me dinner yet... oh that's right, he just lost his job!

I think its safe to say these guys are outta here!

And then there were five.
But not really, because 3 of those 5 are stuck in the very early stages of communication. And they've stayed there for awhile. This is online dating's version of "He said he'd call but he never did."

He sends his multiple choice questions like "How much personal space do you need?" and "Are you passionate person?" You answer the questions and send him your own multiple choice questions:

Are you currently employed?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Define employed.
d) If I'm a crack dealer does that count?

Do you lay around all day drinking beer and watching TV?
a) No
b) Yes
c) Only on the weekdays, I'm at the race track on the weekends
d) Nah, my TV's broke so I hang out at the corner bar. Can you pay my tab?

Okay not really, but they should be choices. You send your real questions and then you wait for him to call reply. And wait. And wait. I think I'll go wash my hair. Oh wait! It's not Saturday night.

Again, a big WHEW!!! Three more bite the dust.

And then there were two.
I'm in what's called "Open Communication" with both these guys. Open communication is when you've gone through the multiple choice and open answer questions and you can now communicate freely but safely. It's like you have your own personal message board and you post you notes there so no email addresses are exchanged. Guy #1 sent me his first open communication on Friday. I answered on Sunday and we've sent each other notes every day since. In fact, yesterday we each sent two. So far, I really like Guy #1 and that scares the bejiggers out of me.

Yesterday, I was happy that Guy #1 seems to be going well and I got a notice that Guy #2 sent me a message! Oh my! So I logged on and read his message and he tells me that from my answers I appear as lovely on the inside as I do on the outside. That I am a breath of fresh air and he feels honored to have the chance to get to know me better. So I answered him back.

Then suddenly I feel very guilty. How can I be cheating on Guy #1 ??? Uh, hello Denise! It's The Bachelorette online dating! You're supposed to be talking to more then one person. The only thing is before I narrowed it down to 2, I had a hard time keeping them all straight. Apparently my brain isn't hardwired to juggle guys. Kids, yes. Guys, no.

Then another thought occurs to me. Guy #1 now knows I have a blog but doesn't know the name of it. But how hard would it be to find it? So tonight I Google Blog Searched "Denise Six Kids" and I'm #2 on the search result list. Just below OctoMom. How flattering is that? Why, I'm almost a celebrity! Obviously easy to find. But wait. What if he doesn't know about Blog Search? What if he just Google's me? I'm in the top 2 spots. My book blog is #1 and this blog is #2. Uh oh.

Hi Guy #1! Loved your message tonight! Just ignore all this talk about other guys. And my lusting after Sawyer. And Tyler Florence. And skip on by the videos of me dancing at home, in Price Chopper, any videos at all now that you mention it.

Life Lesson #2: Don't write about other guys in your blog. Your pseudo cyber boyfriend might get jealous. Also be careful about videos you post. Your killer dance moves might scare him off.

Odds and Ends

You know how I cleaned out my entryway closet and put those mismatched baskets up on the shelf?

Yeah, those.

In the end, they bothered me too, so I went through the house trying to find 3 like baskets and came up with these. I felt the need to put your minds at ease. I know a few of you were close to anxiety attacks over it. And guess what? As I looked for baskets I found another one:

That I could use to put all my umbrellas in. Who knew we had all those umbrellas? Not me. I couldn't find them and kept buying more thinking that the kids had lost them when in reality they were hiding in the pile in the closet.

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Yesterday I went to put my contacts in and my right one tore. This wouldn't necessarily be a big deal but I only had one more pair for each eye, so I knew that I needed to make an appointment with an eye doctor. So I opened the new contact package and that one was torn. Which left me with no right contact. Which now was a big deal because I HATE my glasses.

Trace says that I look smart with my glasses. Does that mean I looked dumb before?

He wants me to walk around like this telling people that I'm a scientist working on the super collider. Think they'll believe me? I'm going to walk around with my finger on my cheek like I'm trying to decide what speed to set the collider at to smash those electrons. Or is it neutrons? I guess I better get my story straight before I start "talking shop." I think this makes me a physicist now and all because of my glasses.

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I've been "communicating" with several guys on eHarmony over the last couple of days. It's all very odd. They tell you that they want to communicate and send you five multiple choice questions. You answer and then send them five. Then they send you three questions that you have to answer with your own words, then you send three questions. Then they send you "open communication" which is like an email but at the eHarmony site.

I'm still not sold on this. It all seems very business like, very cut and dry. I just started open communication with two guys today and they both seem very eager to "get to know me" but I can't say the same. Maybe I'm not ready for this after all. Or maybe it's just not the right guy. I plan on doing a post about some of the men in a day or two.

Do you think they'll be intimidated that I'm a physicist?