Sleepless in Tennessee

Remember when you were a kid and you would do anything to not have to go to bed? "Can I stay up just a little bit later? Please???"

Well, I'm still kind of like that. For some reason I have a hard time making myself go to bed. I'm like a kid that needs to be told to go to bed. Actually I go to bed, I just don't go to sleep. My down time is laying in bed watching HGTV from 10:00 to about 11:30.

My darling daughter, Emma, has kind of put a crimp in this arrangement. She sleeps in my room and often she will stay up until 10:00, cutting into my "me" time. I can live with that part, the part I have a hard time with is the middle of the night feedings.

When I got Emma at 3 months she would take a bottle about 9:00, sleep until 4:00, take another bottle and sleep until 8:00 am. I knew I was incredibly lucky. And then RSV struck, soon followed by 10 days in the hospital which does not acknowledge night time. Emma was getting bathes in ICU at 3:00 am. Bye-bye sleeping through the night. Hello sleep deprivation.

Emma goes to bed around 9 or 10, sleeps until 1:00, takes a bottle, sleeps until 3:00, takes a bottle, sleeps until 5:00, takes a bottle and sleeps until 7:30-8:00. The last week or so she has started waking only at 3 and 5.

Last night she went to sleep around 10 and woke at 3:00. When I woke up with her I found Jenna's lamp on. I went to the bathroom, turned off the light and started to feed Emma her bottle. Usually I doze through the feeding but after all the activity I was more awake which I instantly recognized as a problem and then all the thinking began.

When I'm stressed if I wake up in the middle of the night for any reason I begin to think and worry about all the stressors in my life. I had a lot items left over from the garage sale that a charity was picking up today but it all had to be outside on the driveway by 7:00 am. Julia had a program at school this morning, I had to have my safety deposit box emptyed by today or pay my annual renewal fee, get more boxes for packing, make a zillion phone calls and work on my new stay at home job. (I'll tell you about that another time.) I also realized at 3:15 that I had a bill I had forgotten to pay and was due today. I still don't have Ryan's care package all together to mail. I think you get the picture.

Emma finished her bottle and I went downstairs where I promptly began cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, picking up the living room, read the new National Geographic about China. Finally around 5:30 I started getting sleepy but realized that my alarm was going off in an hour so I might as well stay up. I had fantasies of napping in the afternoon. Silly woman. It also dawned on me that Emma hadn't woken at her 5:00 feeding time. My first night of only getting up one time in MONTHS and I missed it. Story of my life.

So here it is, after 10:00. I've been up 19 hours and I'm still up.

Maybe I should start getting ready for bed.