I am NOT a Morning Person

I am not a morning person. I am a night owl and often stay up until the wee hours of morning. Good thing too, because that's the only time I can get in uninterrupted writing time. Unfortunately, my children do no understand that Mommy needs her beauty sleep. Or any kind of sleep. Especially uninterrupted sleep.

Ryan is a morning person. He wakes up at the crack of dawn, wide eyed and bushy tailed. (For the love of God! The cliche's!) Ryan has always been a quiet child, except for when he's bossing people around. Nothing like rule breakers to crack a kid out of his shell.

In the last month or so, Ryan has blossomed. He's still shy with people he doesn't know, but lately he's become chatty with the law abiding inhabitants, too. Ryan has also discovered singing. Maybe he's seen too much Glee , or maybe Mommy's impromptu singing and dance numbers have finally had an effect, but the boy loves to sing.

This morning, I was Tired. (Yes, with a capital T.) Who comes bouncing down the stairs at 7:10? (I was up at 6:45 after staying up until 1:30 watching miners jump out of capsules.) Ryan. Shouting. And singing. What could be better that shouting and singing at 8:00 a.m.? Bossing your little sister around. That's right You Get the Best of Both Worlds.*

* I have sunk to new lows, invoking a Hannah Montana song title when she's not even part of the blog.

There's not enough coffee to handle this in the morning.

What I'll Do For a Little Sleep

With this many kids in my house, I've got to be strong and try to be consistent. Most days I feel like I accomplish this goal. But kids, being kids, will figure out your weakness. Superman's is Kryptonite. Homer Simpson's is donuts. (Jill's is white mini donuts) Mine is sleep. And Crack Bars. And Starbucks. And Diet Coke. Okay, okay we'll stick with sleep in this post.

Since last spring when I was Mean Mommy and took away Emma's bottle, I've gotten spoiled with my 5-6 hours of consecutive sleep. Don't be messin' with my sleep people! So when children wake up in the middle of the night I take the path of least resistance. I put them in my bed.

I would like to insert here that I have also been known to not totally wake up when the older children have come into my room in the middle of the night and have said some pretty off the wall things, according to them. The rule is now that if you really need me you have to keep talking to me until I'm speaking coherently. I think that's a good rule for when I'm awake too. But that's another story.

In any case, you can't sleep? Get in my bed. Had a bad dream? Get in my bed? There's a thunder storm outside? Get in my bed. You're a young hot stud? Get... oh, never mind. I'm just plain lazy and I throw those kids in my bed. I've been known to have up to 3 kids in bed with me. (Four if you count our trip to China last summer.) I don't get much sleep but its better than none. I keep telling myself that anyway.

Last night as I was getting ready to go upstairs, I heard a small child beginning to cry. When this happens, I always hope that it's Ryan. Ryan's easy. Sometimes he's not even awake so I can pat his back, tell him Mommy's there and he'll stop crying and go back to sleep. Emma's not so easy, but seriously, who's surprised by this? Emma has to be rocked and rocked completely to sleep, otherwise she'll start to cry again. This often means at least 15 minutes of rocking. I will do this if I'm still awake, so last night, it was her crying and I rocked her, dozing as I rocked, and got her back in bed. But less than an hour later, when I was amazingly enough asleep, she began to cry again. There was no way I was going to rock her again so I brought her back to my bed.

No problem, right? Big king size bed, a small 24 pound 33 inch long child in my bed, plenty of room, right? Need I remind you? This is Emma. About 3 am I found myself completely plastered against the edge of my bed. I finally roused around enough to consider moving her. Did I move her and risk waking her up? Sleeping on the edge wasn't working.

This past weekend Julia was sick and came into my room in the middle of the night because she was coughing so much she couldn't sleep. Between her coughing and the TV, I ended up sleeping with Ryan. (Much to his complete surprise and delight the next morning.) This could have been an option with Emma but I was too out of it to think of it. I also could have moved to the other side of the bed, but didn't think of that either. Instead, I gently moved her and was thankful she was still asleep. Only to find myself plastered to the edge again about an hour later. Sure I slept, but not very well.

It occurs to me that my children could use this weakness to their advantage, exploiting my vulnerability for their own selfish whims. They could come into my room in the middle of the night, ask me for anything and I'd probably say yes. Get it on camera and it's iron clad. But it also occurs to me that I could use it to my own advantage as well. How did that hot young stud get in my bed? He must have asked me in the middle of the night.

Maybe this isn't a weakness after all.

Moody Monday or in this case Moody Momma

Hi, I'm Denise and I'm a slacker. Yep, there's no denying it. I was supposed to have a blog post up this morning as part of a new theme week that I'm doing with Brandy's Squared. Say what? Brandy at I'm Not Your Average Soccer Mom and Brandy at The Buzz asked me if I wanted to be part of a theme week with them and I've nicknamed them Brandy Squared. I'd put that little 2 in because that would be totally cool, but I'm too tired to try to figure it out.

Today's theme is Moody Monday. When I heard the topic I thought, Hmm, I wonder what I'll do it on. Even last night (when I should have blogging but I've become a slacker, remember?) I wasn't sure what to post about. Leave it to Emma to help me out. What a sweet girl.

Yesterday was a fun day which I have to blog about and fit into a theme this week-- food for thought. Because of all the fun we had, Emma missed her nap. Not good. Emma needs her nap. Ryan missed his nap too but Ryan doesn't own any personal apparel with the words "Drama Queen" emblazoned on them so he was much more low key about the whole thing. Come to think of it, Emma doesn't own any such apparel either. {Note to self: Get Emma a Drama Queen shirt} But that didn't stop her from letting the world know she wasn't happy, well at least our house. For an hour Emma screamed and cried and carried on. She threw herself backwards onto the floor, bit her lip when we put her in her baby bed to see if she would just take a nap. Finally, I got her settled down but not before she cleared out most of the house. Everyone else scattered to the far corners of the earth. Lucky people. How did I get her to settle down? By the good ole' standby:

Baby Crack. Gotta love it. In the literal push and pull of the hour long fit, Emma wanted her clothes off/wanted her clothes on and in the end she was nakey, except for her diaper and her socks. Towards the end of YGG I found her, now sitting on a chair in front of the tv.

Yep, she went to sleep. It was now about 5:30 and I predicted that this would end badly, which it did, but not at first.

She woke up about 7:30, was fairly happy and I finally got her to go to bed (with me) around midnight. And then she was up at 2:30 screaming and crying. This is her new thing. A few nights a week she wakes up between 12-3 and cries and screams for an hour and then settles down. I have suspected she's having night terrors. But the last two times this has happened, towards the end of her fit she sounded a little wheezy, so we troop downstairs to get a breathing treatment. At 3:00 am. Fun times. Especially when this is involved.

Can't I even escape it in my dreams? Oh yeah, I'm not having dreams because Emma won't sleep. But the funny thing is that when I put her mask up to her face, she holds onto it and keeps it on her face. And when she's done, she's not crying anymore. But she's also wide awake. Finally about 4:30 I said "Enough. It's time for bed." I took her to bed with me where she proceed to fuss and I kept saying firmly "No, it's time for bed."

Have you ever slept with someone laying on top of you, wiggling around, jabbing elbows in your body, smothering your face, climbing on your hair? No? You have no idea what you're missing out on. This went on for about an hour or so, I really couldn't tell you. I dozed but I kept worrying she was going to fall off of me and off the bed. Finally, desperate for some sleep, I turned on the Disney channel. At some point she got out of bed to watch. I kept waking up to check on her although she was trapped closed in my room. At 6:30 I woke up to find her laying next to me. Apparently, Emma puts herself to bed now. What does she need me for?

And me? Now that Emma was finally asleep I got a good quality 30 minutes of sleep before it was time to get up. And you wonder why I'm moody? It didn't help that Ross didn't want to wake up this morning and even tried to tell me how tired he was. Yeah, bad idea Ross. Bad idea. Can you say Verbal Tongue Lashing? I think Ross might be moody too.

Emma's up now, continuing her reign of terror, antagonizing Ryan and proclaiming her tyranny across the land, or at least our house. Momma needs a nap.

Breaking the Curse

I was going to write a blog post about my incredible savings over the last two days-- I'm so proud of myself!!! But Emma, as always, has her own agenda, not that I can blame her this time.

Our day started at 5:00 am when Emma woke up crying. I went in to check on her and she was burning up. A fever of almost 103 kept her up and I was up by default. By 8:30 she was asleep on the living room floor. Unfortunately, I didn't have that luxury. I really could have used a nap to get me through the rest of the day.

She woke up about an hour later crying and crying and crying, which prompted a trip to the doctor. As directed by Section 22 of the Baby Code handbook, she immediately stopped crying and had a normal temperature upon arrival at the clinic, thus trying to prove her mother a liar. Good thing for me the doctor had an otoscope and knew how to use it. Emma had an ear infection, in spite of her ear tube which may, or may not, be still embedded in her ear drum. An eartube was spotted but its relation to the ear drum could not be determined. A antibiotic was prescribed and Mommy is now $87 poorer, $117 if you count the co-pay. Lucky for Emma, Mommy really loves her.

Emma showed her gratitude by spending the rest of the day 1) not napping and 2) being the crankiest, whiniest, cryingest child that ever graced the planet earth. But of course she had an ear infection, so how could I be upset with her for expressing her discomfort? Upset? no. Nerves shot to hell? yes. I rocked her for 30 minutes to put her to bed and once she got to bed she screamed and cried herself hoarse. So, of course, after about 20 minutes I got her up. She expressed her gratitude by screaming and crying for what seemed like forever. (Do we notice a trend here?) In any case, I finally got her to stop.

By letting her eat chips and salsa. I had offered her all kinds of other snacks but she wanted my chips and salsa (can you guess what I was drinking?) It's all your's baby! (The chips, not the drink) A desperate mom does what she needs to do to get a little peace and a moment of sanity. Oh yeah... and I want my baby to be happy, yeah that too.

Who knew an early Cinco de Mayo celebration was all it took to make a Vietnamese baby happy? It's now 11:00 and Emma is toddling around investigating everything, running on only about an hour of sleep since 5:00 am. But she's starting to wind down and I'm praying that sleep is in my future. Oh yeah, for her too. Again, my sleep is by default.

So what's the deal with the title of this post? What does all of that have to do with breaking a curse? For the first time in several weeks I've posted something on Thursday (as opposed to posting on Wednesday and then waiting until Saturday like I've done the past few weeks.) The curse is broken. You can put away your voodoo dolls now.

Alone

I've pointed out on various occasions that we have sleep issues at our house, well, I guess with the exception of all the boys. The big boys sleep in the basement and presumably sleep fine and Ryan has slept alone in his bed since about a week after we came home from his adoption trip in July. So I guess in all fairness it would be more accurate to say that the girls have sleep issues at our house.

I have tons of back posts addressing this. My bed seems to have revolving door and although that sounds kind of sexy it is most definitely not! Julia, then followed by Jenna. Jenna when Julia's not home. Emma since she came home from the hospital last November and it was easier to make sure she was still breathing in the middle of the night not to mention giving her the multiple bottles she began to consume. On occasion, Ryan will sleep there if he's feeling left out or not feeling well.

I actually have rules for sleeping in my bed. But the rules invariably fail. In China this summer I slept with 3 children in my bed-- not conducive to a good nights sleep. (If you want a good laugh, be sure to check out the last link-- multiple photos from various nights.) However for the most part, its only Emma and I in my bed. This past fall whenever I tried to put Emma in her crib she flipped out, completely hysterical and I could tell it was fear and not "I'm want my way NOW!" so a few months ago I changed her baby crib into a toddler bed. That helped but her bed is in the same room with Ryan and I found if I put them to bed together in the same room they would have a gab session which consisted of conversations that went like this:

Ryan: Ah, gibber, gibber, Emma, gibber, gibber

Emma: Ah, ah, ah, gurgle, momma, momma, momma, ah, ba, ba

Eavesdropping on that didn't produce much inside information. And they also didn't go to sleep. They would talk to each other forever, so Emma ended up back in my bed.

This past week Emma, being the adventurous and rebellious child that she is, has decided that a bed can't contain her awesomeness. A couple of nights this week she decided she wasn't quite ready to go to sleep and she got out. Now you have to understand, I have a monster bed. Its a king size bed (purchased after Darrell died and I usually had multiple children in bed) and its high off the floor. So the first time she got out I was downstairs and heard a loud THUD and ran up to find her toddling around my room. Great. Next night, repeat. And then again Thursday morning. This had become a dangerous situation so I decided Friday night to try her back in her toddler bed.

Last night everyone got ready for bed, I put Ryan in his bed and sat Emma in the toddler bed and she had an amused look on her face. I gave her her bottle, covered her up and turned off the light and waited. And waited. No talking from either one of them and soon they were asleep.

Success!!!

No more tiptoeing around my room and bathroom when I went to bed. I took a long bath and got my pajamas with the help of a lamp so they actually matched! Then I climbed into bed reveling in my genius. My bed was empty. Finally.

I moved towards the middle of my bed and lay diagonally, sprawling my arms and indulging the complete freedom to lay any way I liked. Suddenly my tears began to flow and memories began to rush back. Darrell would get out of bed in the middle of the night and return to find me laying diagonally in the bed and he would have to nudge me back to my side so he could get back in. But when he was in the hospital after his accident I didn't lay spread eagle. I lay on my own side, respecting his, waiting for him to come and claim his space. But he never did.

I am alone. I said to myself for the millionth time and for the millionth time I tried to remember the night before his accident almost 3 years ago, laying in bed with him, spooning with his stomach to my back. Some nights I pretend he's still there and I can almost feel him. Almost.

Most days I make it through the day all right, some days I don't. But most days my children fill my day with love and happiness. Its the darkness of night, when the world is shrouded that my loneliness flows back in like high tide on the beach rushing in to claim its place. Every night I know its there waiting for me. I used to dread it and now I accept it as the inevitable occurrence that it is. But my heart still aches, no matter how used the pain I have become. And I wonder. Will I always feel so alone?

Sleepless in Tennessee

Remember when you were a kid and you would do anything to not have to go to bed? "Can I stay up just a little bit later? Please???"

Well, I'm still kind of like that. For some reason I have a hard time making myself go to bed. I'm like a kid that needs to be told to go to bed. Actually I go to bed, I just don't go to sleep. My down time is laying in bed watching HGTV from 10:00 to about 11:30.

My darling daughter, Emma, has kind of put a crimp in this arrangement. She sleeps in my room and often she will stay up until 10:00, cutting into my "me" time. I can live with that part, the part I have a hard time with is the middle of the night feedings.

When I got Emma at 3 months she would take a bottle about 9:00, sleep until 4:00, take another bottle and sleep until 8:00 am. I knew I was incredibly lucky. And then RSV struck, soon followed by 10 days in the hospital which does not acknowledge night time. Emma was getting bathes in ICU at 3:00 am. Bye-bye sleeping through the night. Hello sleep deprivation.

Emma goes to bed around 9 or 10, sleeps until 1:00, takes a bottle, sleeps until 3:00, takes a bottle, sleeps until 5:00, takes a bottle and sleeps until 7:30-8:00. The last week or so she has started waking only at 3 and 5.

Last night she went to sleep around 10 and woke at 3:00. When I woke up with her I found Jenna's lamp on. I went to the bathroom, turned off the light and started to feed Emma her bottle. Usually I doze through the feeding but after all the activity I was more awake which I instantly recognized as a problem and then all the thinking began.

When I'm stressed if I wake up in the middle of the night for any reason I begin to think and worry about all the stressors in my life. I had a lot items left over from the garage sale that a charity was picking up today but it all had to be outside on the driveway by 7:00 am. Julia had a program at school this morning, I had to have my safety deposit box emptyed by today or pay my annual renewal fee, get more boxes for packing, make a zillion phone calls and work on my new stay at home job. (I'll tell you about that another time.) I also realized at 3:15 that I had a bill I had forgotten to pay and was due today. I still don't have Ryan's care package all together to mail. I think you get the picture.

Emma finished her bottle and I went downstairs where I promptly began cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, picking up the living room, read the new National Geographic about China. Finally around 5:30 I started getting sleepy but realized that my alarm was going off in an hour so I might as well stay up. I had fantasies of napping in the afternoon. Silly woman. It also dawned on me that Emma hadn't woken at her 5:00 feeding time. My first night of only getting up one time in MONTHS and I missed it. Story of my life.

So here it is, after 10:00. I've been up 19 hours and I'm still up.

Maybe I should start getting ready for bed.