Saturday, December 6, 2008

Alone

I've pointed out on various occasions that we have sleep issues at our house, well, I guess with the exception of all the boys. The big boys sleep in the basement and presumably sleep fine and Ryan has slept alone in his bed since about a week after we came home from his adoption trip in July. So I guess in all fairness it would be more accurate to say that the girls have sleep issues at our house.

I have tons of back posts addressing this. My bed seems to have revolving door and although that sounds kind of sexy it is most definitely not! Julia, then followed by Jenna. Jenna when Julia's not home. Emma since she came home from the hospital last November and it was easier to make sure she was still breathing in the middle of the night not to mention giving her the multiple bottles she began to consume. On occasion, Ryan will sleep there if he's feeling left out or not feeling well.

I actually have rules for sleeping in my bed. But the rules invariably fail. In China this summer I slept with 3 children in my bed-- not conducive to a good nights sleep. (If you want a good laugh, be sure to check out the last link-- multiple photos from various nights.) However for the most part, its only Emma and I in my bed. This past fall whenever I tried to put Emma in her crib she flipped out, completely hysterical and I could tell it was fear and not "I'm want my way NOW!" so a few months ago I changed her baby crib into a toddler bed. That helped but her bed is in the same room with Ryan and I found if I put them to bed together in the same room they would have a gab session which consisted of conversations that went like this:

Ryan: Ah, gibber, gibber, Emma, gibber, gibber

Emma: Ah, ah, ah, gurgle, momma, momma, momma, ah, ba, ba

Eavesdropping on that didn't produce much inside information. And they also didn't go to sleep. They would talk to each other forever, so Emma ended up back in my bed.

This past week Emma, being the adventurous and rebellious child that she is, has decided that a bed can't contain her awesomeness. A couple of nights this week she decided she wasn't quite ready to go to sleep and she got out. Now you have to understand, I have a monster bed. Its a king size bed (purchased after Darrell died and I usually had multiple children in bed) and its high off the floor. So the first time she got out I was downstairs and heard a loud THUD and ran up to find her toddling around my room. Great. Next night, repeat. And then again Thursday morning. This had become a dangerous situation so I decided Friday night to try her back in her toddler bed.

Last night everyone got ready for bed, I put Ryan in his bed and sat Emma in the toddler bed and she had an amused look on her face. I gave her her bottle, covered her up and turned off the light and waited. And waited. No talking from either one of them and soon they were asleep.

Success!!!

No more tiptoeing around my room and bathroom when I went to bed. I took a long bath and got my pajamas with the help of a lamp so they actually matched! Then I climbed into bed reveling in my genius. My bed was empty. Finally.

I moved towards the middle of my bed and lay diagonally, sprawling my arms and indulging the complete freedom to lay any way I liked. Suddenly my tears began to flow and memories began to rush back. Darrell would get out of bed in the middle of the night and return to find me laying diagonally in the bed and he would have to nudge me back to my side so he could get back in. But when he was in the hospital after his accident I didn't lay spread eagle. I lay on my own side, respecting his, waiting for him to come and claim his space. But he never did.

I am alone. I said to myself for the millionth time and for the millionth time I tried to remember the night before his accident almost 3 years ago, laying in bed with him, spooning with his stomach to my back. Some nights I pretend he's still there and I can almost feel him. Almost.

Most days I make it through the day all right, some days I don't. But most days my children fill my day with love and happiness. Its the darkness of night, when the world is shrouded that my loneliness flows back in like high tide on the beach rushing in to claim its place. Every night I know its there waiting for me. I used to dread it and now I accept it as the inevitable occurrence that it is. But my heart still aches, no matter how used the pain I have become. And I wonder. Will I always feel so alone?

44 comments:

Tori said...

Wow. You are such a strong woman... And what a blessing to have wonderful kids to keep some joy in your life. I can't imagine that feeling at night... There really isn't anything good or truly comforting to say. You're in my prayers.

Vickie said...

You are in my thoughts.

Take Care.

Lindsey's mom said...

Denise
Night time is worse for me as well. I have had a child with me in my bed since Chelsea's death. Jesse just moved downstairs but Lindsey is still with me. I do a lot of "talking" to Chelsea at night. I think that is when I can feel her the most. We are in different time zones but just know that I am thinking of you and for that you are not "alone". May God Bless and Keep you this Holiday Season. It is a tough time.

Brenda Jean said...

I hope you will not always be alone. I'm visiting from SITS and I can't imagine how you must feel-- your kids are so lucky to have you and I hope all of you can help each other through the loneliness. I'll be back to visit:)

AndreaLeigh said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say that will offer words of comfort. We're coming up on the 8 year anniversary of my cousin and uncle's death... they died one day apart. Not the same thing as I husband, I know. But these days, more often than not, I think about them with smiles more than tears.

The Sharp Family said...

I would be more than happy to come and snuggle with you :( My prayers are with you this holdiday season and always. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I have no words of wisdom. Just know that I am thinking of you each and every day. XOXO

Kristin said...

Sending you some hugs today. Hope they arrive there quickly...

Glen and Andrea said...

You won't know me as I have only been reading your blog for about two weeks (found you commenting on other blogs I read and followed you to here). I can tell you are a very special lady from your blog, I know there is nothing I can say to help you feel better, but man my heart aches for you. I can't begin to imagine your pain. I am going to pray for you and your beautiful little family. I'll just pray that you have some comfort and don't feel so alone.
Thinking of you, Andrea (from New Zealand).

annie kelleher said...

im so sorry for your loss. you are an amazing and brave woman. i wish i had words to make you feel better. im sending you hugs and love instead.

Kristin said...

More HUGS from my family to yours.

debi said...

Your words of loss can be felt...even through a silly thing such as a computer! I wish I had the words to say to take away the pain, but I don't. So, all I can say is big hugs and smooches from a fellow "yaya sista"! xo..deb

Brandy said...

That just sucks. I feel so bad for you right now because although I can't say I've been there I KNOW it must be hard. I really cannot imagine...

~You know there's always Build a bear there to hug you! I'm joking but maybe it will put a smile on your face.~

Anastasia said...

I found your blog by accident about two weeks ago. I have wanted to write, but I guess it was not time. I want to encourage you to keep the faith. My husband (James) of 20 years and 4 boys passed away 6 3/4 years ago after a week long illness. I have married a wonderful man(Stephen) and have had two little girls with him. But... The loss never goes away! Sorry to be so realistic. Stephen is a prince and has never felt slighted by my honest mourning. He says if I did not still feel James' loss, he would wonder if i truly knew how to love. No one can ever take the place of another human. We just let our hearts grow bigger. You will always miss the love you two shared, even if you find more love. May God bless you and cover you with His hand as no other person ever can! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Anastasia

Tracy said...

Your post touched me so much, I just can't imagine....
Hugs,
tracy

Crystal said...

Denise this one brought tears. I hope that one day you won't feel alone. Thinking of you.

The Gotch 5 said...

I was just catching up on your blog and this entry was such a strong one. I wish I had magic words and strengths to take away the loneliness but I don't. Until then I will pray that you can somehow get to a place where the loneliness doesn't come and take over your nights.

Kay Bratt said...

Denise,

I've been offline for a few days--other than publishing comments from my blog. I was sort of down in the dumps but reading your post made me realize that life is all in what you make it. You have chose to embrace family, humor and strength despite your personal tragedy and loss..... An occasional moment of weakness and despair is not failure..it is just showing you are human. love, Kay.

kitty said...

Thoughts are with you as you continue to heal. Darrel will always be with you in your heart and memories.

God Bless,
Kitty

~Issy said...

Denise, i wish that i had words of wisdom to ease your heart on those nights that you feel alone. Although i've not lost a husband, i have lost my Mom and it is also at night when i miss her so much that i can feel my heart ache. But sometimes, too, i feel gratefui that i had such a woman in my life. And sometimes, that's enough.

Know that i keep you in my thoughts and like everyone else who reads your blog, if you need me, just yell. Heck, i may even treat at Starbucky's, if you show me what to order. :)

Hugs, my friend...

Doré said...

Stopping by from SITS. You sound like an incredible woman. I am sorry for your loss. Your children are so lucky to have you as their mom!

Donna said...

Denise, you are the most amazing woman. I read your blog for its honesty & truth. And while it is mostly funny, down-to-earth stories about life with six kids, it's also about YOU, their mom, a woman, and a widow still grieving the loss of a partner, lover and best friend. I pray that you don't always feel so alone, that God provides companionship and comfort in whatever ways He sees fit. Hugs to you my sweet! Losing a loved one is an awful experience, and I applaud your continuing with life in a postive way for yourself and your kids. You are an amazing person.

jubilee said...

I am so sorry. And I'll never complain about being a part from my husband for a few nights ever again.

May God bless you richly, again and again.

Lula! said...

You are amazing and this seriously made me tear up.

April said...

i'm so sorry for you. i wish i could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. no one should have to suffer loss like that.

Retroboutiques said...

Denise,
I'm afraid I do understand that feeling, as I lost my husband suddenly just over 3 weeks ago. A friend sent me to your blog when I told her I needed someone who really understands You are a strong, amazing woman. I have no little ones to keep me busy, my boys are grown. I only hope I can someday adjust and become as strong as you are. This is an emptiness and hurt that is unimaginable. God Bless You...

Janne said...

You are loved!
Janne'

JD said...

What a beautiful, eloquent and poignant glimpse into this new season of your life. I love the way you touched on the tender, sweet and funny memories of your children's musical bed routines, leading into your own feelings as you face an empty bed... empty, but full of memories.

I just don't have the words, Denise, the words that express how sorry I am that you're going through this, how I wish I could help somehow, and how much you've taught me to appreciate what I have.


Thank you for being willing to share your life with us.

jen said...

You are going to join my list of must-reads. So happy you were featured today.

Donnetta said...

I'm so hoping one day that loneliness will ease. In the meantime, snuggle in with those precious, kicking, chatting, cover hogging babies.

Happy SITS day.

Kara said...

You are an amazing woman and I admire you for your incredible strength. I cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it must be. Your kids are blessed to have such a wonderful mom!

Casey's trio said...

Thanks for sharing this honest, heartfelt post. I am so happy that your children fill your days with love and laughter after the death of your husband.

Marrdy said...

What a tough thing you're gong through. Stay strong.

Amy said...

What a wonderful post to share. I am not sure what I would do either. I am glad you have children in your life that must help.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda Hughes said...

So sorry for your loss. Stay strong. Sending you hugs.

Ali said...

This is such a touching post. It reminds me to not take for granted the things I have. Thank you.

Jo said...

Very touching blog. You are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing.

Melissa said...

I am reaching through the computer and hugging you! You are such a strong woman.

Thank you for sharing today. I have enjoyed my visit to you! And will come back many times!

Hugs!
Melissa

Stacey said...

I think I just heard my heart shudder. Thanks for your honesty. I have enjoyed your blog and will visit again.

Pink Ink said...

Heartbreaking honesty, but one that is so full of hope. Thanks for sharing your chronicles on your blog :-)

HoneyB said...

Your post put me to tears. It made me think of my former SIL who lost her husband in a tragic accident this last summer. I could not imagine going to bed and knowing Grumpy wouldn't be there to keep me awake with his loud snoring anymore. It would break my heart.

mommytoalot said...

So sorry...
you are a very strong lady.
xo
Lisa from Canada

Mammatalk said...

I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure. You are not alone!

MaryRC said...

it is so wonderful that you can share such a touching experience such as this. i hope you find new warmth at night in knowing that you will not always be alone, that day will come :)