Sunday, May 24, 2009

Ticked Off

I have a Yorkie named Fifi. When you read that, what mental image comes to mind. This?

Uh, no. Think this:

Fifi, covered in mud and thorn branches.

Cock-a-burs, dead leaves and mud balls. Oh my.

Which always results in this:


How does my sweet little foofooey dog get this way?

This is the view from my back door. We don't have a fence (yet!) so when the children come in or out, Fifi gets out and 9 times out of 10 heads up into the woods.

For some reason people think of Yorkies as cute little purse dogs. The reality is that they were breed for hunting rats, badgers and foxes. This innate characteristic draws Fifi to the woods time and time again.

Sigh...

Yesterday, one of the many small children that live in this house opened the back door and Fifi sprinted off into the woods, only to reappear a few hours later. Covered in ticks. I had given her flea and tick medicine a few days before but when I rechecked the box, it was expired. Great. What was I to do? Obviously they had to come off.

True Swank style, I sat at the kitchen counter holding Fifi while Ryan, Emma, Jenna and Gauge sat on stools watching, oh and eating a snack. What's a show without refreshments? Whatever keeps the kids entertained. I got a pair of tweezers and a clear disposable cup and got to work. It only took removing one live tick, placing it in the cup and watching it climb to the top and make a break for freedom to realize I needed a new strategy. Water. Sure it wouldn't drown them but it would contain them.

I filled the cup halfway with water and sure enough, the ticks were having a swimming party. As I pulled off tick #16 or so, Emma decided to climb onto the kitchen counter. I was busy holding a squirming ticked infested dog so I asked Jenna to please help get Emma. (What was I thinking?) I continued to pull off ticks as Jenna took her sweet time and Emma made her way over to the cup. As I was pulling off tick #19 (or so) Emma slipped on the counter and fell on top of the Cup O'Ticks. The cup turned over releasing ticks and water all over the counter, floor and Emma.

Who said nothing exciting happens here?

Fifi was dropped, Emma was crying, Jenna and the boys were screaming and I was quickly trying to figure out how to contain 20 loose, live ticks that were camouflaged by a brown counter and a wood floor. I quickly grabbed some paper towels and started wiping anything within 3 feet, stuffing the towels into the empty cup and placing the cup in a ziploc bag. But I still had a dog with hidden ticks. And screaming children.

I announced a shopping trip to Petco and Target, which stopped the screaming. Fifi was sequestered into the powder room and I spent the next 10 minutes readjusting car seats and booster seats in my bus van. Finally, 4 small children were loaded in the van and off we went.

Again, what was I thinking??? It actually went quite well, other then the distraction of about 15 dogs up for adoption outside of Petco. Jenna begged for a Jack Russell terrier. I merely looked at her like she had lost her ever lovin' mind, which she obviously had. Are you kidding me? New flea and tick medicine was purchased and we walked over to Target next door to buy a new booster seat so the car seat/booster seat relay would be a thing of the past.

As we wandered through Target, me congratulating myself on how well things were going with both boys sitting nicely in the seats in front of the cart and Emma sitting sweetly her seat, Emma proceeds to lift up her dress and stick her hand down the front of her diaper. And keep it there. Can 22 month olds be arrested for lewd behavior? I didn't really want to find out. Just as I got to her to pull her hand out, she pulled it out herself, fingers covered in poop.

Of course, I didn't have any wipes with me, or tissues, but thank goodness for the countless number of receipts in the bottom of my purse. They finally had some usefulness. We quickly made our way to the front, washed Emma's hand, paid for our purchases and proceeded to the van where I laid Emma down on the van floor and changed her nasty diaper in plain site. What good is living in Missouri if I can't play the hillbilly card? There was no way on earth I was dragging all those kids back in the store. And to my credit, since I was playing the hillbilly card, I didn't throw the diaper in the parking lot for someone to step on.

So what's the moral of this story? Beats me, but the next time I get a dog it's going to be a stuffed one. Taxidermy.

23 comments:

Lindsey's mom said...

OMG!! SO FUNNY!!!

Ticks do not live in Alaska!! Another great perk!! :)

Lindsey pooed in the pot only to get up before I could get to her..so I can relate to the poop issue :)

Kristin said...

Oh my goodness Denise.....never ever a dull moment at your house, huh?! Yeah, we don't have to worry about ticks here in TX either, thank goodness. And I learned real quick to try to keep tissues in my purse after Lily decided to pull out a huge booger from her nose in Target one day....I used the receipt trick that day too! LOL!!

Angel said...

This is not a sales pitch, but use AVON's skin so soft. The woodsy smell repels Ticks and other varmits..and like I said this is not a sales pitch, but if you don't have a rep you can do it online with me...

momma said...

your life is never boring! loved the hillbilly card idea :)

Doug and Terrye said...

Who knew such an angst filled day could bring so many so much joy? I can't stop laughing out loud after reading this post!!! :)

Terrye in FL

{Katie Lane} said...

More evidence why dogs are evil, I love it!

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Oh my dear!! You had quite the day there! :-) Sounds like you need a tick-free, kid-free vacation!

Brandy said...

Dang girl. You do need meds. And I ain't talking about stuff for the dogs.

~Katie said...
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~Katie said...
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~Katie said...

Ok, I have been asking for years... could someone PLEASE explain to me the purpose of TICKS? I mean, what the hell kind of purpose do they possibly have in the food chain. I HATE TICKS!!! Just reading your post has made me itch from head to toe. We were camping last night and now I am convinced that everyone in my house is full of ticks. Ughhh. Thanks a lot. haha. I am so sorry this happened. YUCK!!! Serioulsy, if I thought they had some flippen' purpose MAYBE I wouldn't hate them so much (maybe), but so far, I have no answers and despise those nasty ass guys. Ewwww.
Just an FYI...The Trinity playground was just infested wih ticks and a couple kids got Rocky Mountain Spider disease. You may have already heard this but wanted to pass along. I am sure you searched your kids but just wanted to pass this along. :) Hope yourlong weekend gets better!

Beth said...

Oh my! Fingers in the diaper...and poop...ewwwww... my now 10 yr old had the hands in the panty thng going on for awhile when she was one ish or so! gagged me!

Alicia said...

Oh my goodness! From tick to diaper poop!!!!

You deserve the mother of the year awards!!

So, how do you get rid of the ticks? Do you have to pull them all out or is there some miracle ointment you can put on the dog to kill them?

Gamma Sharon said...

Sounds like you had a fun filled day! Lol
Hope the rest of the day went better.

Jill said...

Whew! Denise! I am tired after reading that fiasco!!!

I knew there was a good reason for stuffing many misc. receipts into your purse. I am off to clean my purse OUT as I do not want that happening on my next trip to Target!!!

I am sending you a GOLD STAR for not curling up into a VERY small ball in Target!!!!!

Heather said...

Denise,
Your story gave everyone a good laugh tonight over dinner at The Melting Pot. Yes, these thing would only happen to you! I'm glad you're writing them down because these stories are too good to forget.

Margaret M said...

There just aren't words Denise...there just aren't words!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Too funny....I loved reading your blog tonight.
Be sure and stop by my blog and sign up for the "10 Giveaways" that I will draw for on Wednesday.
Also, please pray for sweet Maggie as she returns to St Jude's this week. Would love for you to grab her button for your blog...

Carey-Life in the Carpool Lane said...

Seriously!?!?!?! I know it has to be true because you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried!

I'm rethinking a visit to your nuthouse!

April said...

omg, i seriously wanted to vomit when you said the glass tipped over?!

Kay Bratt said...

I am with you-- on Friday I wrestled my 86-lb baby girl on her leash to the groomer and when she got a whiff of the place as I opened the door to go in, she bolted, jerked the leash out of my hands and ran for the busy road. I let out a blood-curdling scream of fright that shocked her so much she stopped in midrun and sat down and turned to look at me like "What!?" I stomped on her leash and finally wrangled her in the door despite my aching back and burning hands. An hour later I was still shaking and swearing I will never ever ever ever ever own another dog as soon as I can find a home for this one...

Kay Bratt said...

One more thing....your story brings back a memory for me of when I was a little girl and my parents left us with a goofy couple as sitters. I had a tick in my head and the drunk guy took an electric drill to it to remove it. I promise-- true story! [he didn't hurt me by some miracle..and we never had to stay with them again]

Lorie said...

Oh my goodness, I don't know what to say....although something that has not been said, you deserve an award for even thinking of taking 4 kids to not one, but TWO stores.........the ticks and and the Emma poop, well that's just your life, right???? LOL