Thursday, September 2, 2010

Conversations with a Forensics Team Captain in Training

Meet Ryan. Ryan is the future caption of his high school debate team.

Ryan is different than the rest of us. While the girls and I have more creative, free spirited personalities, Ryan's tends to run into OCD tendencies. I did a blog post back-in-the-day about a then three-year-old Ryan packing his own lunch because I didn't do it right. One of the happiest days in his life was the day I taught him to make his bed. He ran around making everyone else's too.

Let me take a moment to wipe away a tear of joy. Okay, better now.

In a house full of creative souls (aka slobs) Ryan is like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. But just like everything, there are some negative aspects to Ryan's rigidness. Ryan believes he is always right. Always. While some might call this a birth defect attributed to all humans with a Y chromosome, I will refrain from making that "leap." HOWEVER, if that is your own personal philosophy, I'm not gonna argue with you. Whatever Ryan's reason, I confess some days he drives me batty. This is the kid that argued with me for ten minutes this summer that he couldn't to bed at 9:00 because it was still light outside.

Emma proves to be frustrating to Ryan. She loves to argue back out of pure stubbornness. As you can imagine, the provides HOURS of entertainment.

Conversations Yesterday Morning:*

Time: 9:30 am Scene: Mommy's office aka the dining room

Emma: {jumping up and down} I'm a monkey!
Ryan: No, monkeys don't jump!
Emma: {jumping} I'm a monkey!
Ryan: {growling} I said monkeys don't jump!
Mommy: {sitting at laptop, accidentally typing the word "jump" into scene in book} Ryan, monkeys can jump.
Ryan: No, they can't. I never saw them.
Mommy: {drinking coffee like a tequila shot} Yes, they can. I have seen them.
Ryan: No, they can't.
Mommy: Yes, they can.
Ryan: {sobbing} Monkeys can't jump.
Mommy: {Pours Kahlua** into coffee and guzzles.}
Emma: {jumping gleefully} I'm a monkey.


Ryan hides in pantry broom closet. Emma tries to enter. Jostling ensues.

Ryan: Emma! There's no room for you!
Emma: ARG!
Mommy: {tuning out children}
Ryan: {Pushing Emma out and shutting door} There's no room!
Emma: {crying}
Mommy: What's going on?
Ryan: Emma wants in and there's no room!
Mommy: Emma, come sit in a minion chair*** and color.
Ryan: {Opens cabinet door} I'm Diego. {shuts door}
Emma: {sitting in minion chair, coloring} You're a spaceman!
Ryan: {opens door} No! I'm Diego!
Emma: {sweetly} Spaceman!
Ryan: Diego!
Emma: Spaceman!
Ryan: {sobbing} I'm Diego!
Mommy: {draining the Kahlua bottle} Jesus, take me now.****

Just a day in the life people.*****

* I am now rethinking my career as a novelist and considering expanding upon my obvious screen writing skills.

** While Mommy has been known to ask Starbucks employees at the drive thru window if they would add a shot of Kahlua or Bailey's, she has never actually tried it.

***Minion chairs
Yes, I have chairs at my "desk" that are known as minion chairs.

**** I am neutral on the post/pre Tribulation theories. However, if I'm gonna be raptured, that would have been a good time to go. Just sayin'.

*****Mommy's reactions may have been slightly exaggerated for entertainment purposes. But only slightly.


Eisley Jacobs said...

I can totally see this playing out... and I may even know the said cupboard LOL!!

The Gotch 5 said...

So glad you are back!!!!!!!! And all I gotta say is Bailey's with a little whipping cream on top it's a little cup of heaven!!! I mean so I have heard of course!!

Shelley said...

Love the blog design. And i'm so glad I'm not the only mommy who thinks about liquor all day....

Jules said...

Ha! I've had a summer-long argument about whether or not it was bedtime according to how light it was outside.

I plan on turning this around on her come November. She's going to bed at 4:30pm!

mmmmm . . kaluha. You know-you can make your own for quite cheap. You just have to be patient and let it age. Oh-and i've made irish creme too-very popular at xmas gift exchange parties.

Laura said...

lmao...only met u once..and i find your writing/blog very entertaining..makes me want that many kids lmao..u never fail to entertain me

Denise Grover Swank said...

Jules, make my own Kahlua? You must share your recipe!!!

Denise Grover Swank said...

Laura, I'm happy to entertain.;-) I might as well find something good about all the craziness! LOL

Brandy said...

Hey they make for good blog fodder right?! LOL!