Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Garden Hose

I'm sitting at my desk looking at a black garden hose laying in my back yard. It's been there for over a week. It was against the house until the kids went out there one day and decided to drag it around the yard. And there it sits, where they deserted it, waiting to be moved.

My car needs an oil change and when the weather gets cold the tires always need air. When our cold snap hit yesterday, the tire light came on my dashboard, along with the low fuel light. I thought of trying to see how many check engine lights I could get lit up but decided against it. So yesterday morning, I stopped at the gas station and filled up my tank and drove my car over to the air and filled my tires. Because no one else is going to do it.

When Darrell died, I became a single mother to four children. I did not choose that. But when I adopted 2 more children and became a single mother to six, I did choose that. I chose this life, this crazy, chaotic mess of a life. You'll not hear me complain. Freely choosing this life strips me of all complaining rights. Most of the time I just accept it, revel in it even, 95% of the time I love my life.

But sometimes being a single mother sucks.

The dogs have been out of food since Friday. Not to worry, they've dined like little queens. They've had deli turkey and scrambled eggs I cooked specifically for them. I should have gone to the grocery store but between hauling kids to parties and putting up Christmas trees, and God forbid even trying to write, the thought of loading the small children in their puffy coats into and out of the car seats put me in overwhelm. So I didn't go. Until this morning, because too many eggs for a dog is bad news and Julia has a choir concert and her new pair of show choir shoes hurt her feet. Three days ago I promised I'd get her inserts for her shoes and I hadn't gotten them yet. At 8:30 this morning, I left my small children who had been up since before 6:00 in Julia's care and went to the store to get food, inserts, Christmas ornament hooks and a Starbucks Mocha, because some days I just deserve one. (Some days I don't but I get it anyway.) I came home with everything except the ornament hooks.

Sometimes when the little kids are up before the sun, I wish I could roll over and tell someone else. "It's your turn." Or if I don't feel like making dinner, I wish I had someone else to make it instead of resorting to chicken nuggets or fast food. I wish I had someone to take my car to get its oil changed and the brakes fixed. I wish when I try to hide in my room to write a post I swore I'd never write, that my children wouldn't stream in one by one with their complaints and their cries. I wish someone else would break up their fights, play referee, deal with their crankiness. But I won't complain; I have no right to complain. I chose this.

I'm still sitting at my desk looking out into the yard as I write this and that damn garden hose is still there. I should just get up from this chair and go down and drag in around to the front of the house into the garage. But I think I'll leave it for now. That's something I can complain about.

22 comments:

Cody said...

I will help you whenever you need it, Denise! I don't mind running out to the store for you or driving the kids around to their various events. It's the least I can do after how wonderful you have been to me! Please, feel free to ask me to help out!

Anonymous said...

Denise I do understand the run of emtions. When Cliff died, I didn't choose and stayed angry for a long time. When I remarried I chose badly and have since corrected that mistake. Some days I wish I had that someone to help me out too. I loved Cliff with all my heart, not sure what I had with Mike but that is a lesson learned. I have over the past few months, met a wonderful man that has reminded me there are good guys out there and that you can truly love again...he has been a blessing.

All my love, Susan (Stauffer) Fast

Beth said...

Kudos to single moms everywhere Denise...but especially to you! You are a saint...and yes that hose will wait for you...and the dog..eh...

RamblingMother said...

You have every right to complain even if you did chose it because sometimes being a single mom does suck but not the mom part just the stuff that goes along with it like needing an income and no job (me) or getting cars fixed or being sick with no one else to help out or trying to feed everyone but being totally bored with or out of ideas for food! Praying for you because we all need that too!

Nancy said...

Wish I lived close enough to help you out. :(

The Gotch 5 said...

Just because you chose to adopt does not mean you can not complain my friend. My best friend told me "Holly you chose to give birth too but they drive you nuts just like Brynlee!!" So my friend complain all you need to. All of us love our kids unconditionally but we also need breaks. I admire you so much for how you take life. My husband farms so for two and a half months out of the year I am a "single parent." I don't know how you do it, I applaud you for the wonderful life you give your kids. Maybe you need to come for a field trip to the Gottschalk Farm and let the kids go crazy fishing, 4 wheeling, feeding animals, combine/tractor riding, and swimming while we go shopping!!!! You are human and what mother out there doesn't think of running away every now and then.

Kristin said...

I say sometimes it just helps to complain! I can't imagine how hard it must be for you Denise, because even with 3 kids and a husband, I still go into overwhelm mode thinking of having to get them all in and out when I run errands. Someone is always cranky and if it weren't for Starbucks, I don't know how I'd make it! LOL!!

You are definitely my hero and a perfect example of how Christ never promised us it would be easy, but He did promise us the greatest reward for doing the number one thing He commanded us to do, which is LOVE, and that is what you have given your children. There is nothing more precious than that!!

Brandy said...

You can complain about anything you want. For me, it makes me feel better to say things out loud (or blog) about the things that are bothering me. Does it fix them? Nah, but I still feel better.

Your post also reminded me to appreciate my husband a little more. [:

Heather said...

I totally agree with Gotch 5. We all choose our situations whether that be birthing or adopting. And I have chosen 3 times to give birth and have no intention of giving up on complaining about it ;) I too am always here to help in any way I can. Heck I'll come over and put that hose up for you :)

Shell in your Pocket said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles...

who cares...leave that hose there till tommorrow!

sandy toe

Marian said...

I can so understand!! As a single mom, who has one bio daughter and 2 from China, I know that I have chosen to be overwhelmed at times, as well as being blessed beyond measure, but it doesn't make the moments of frustration any easier to swallow. Sometime it just makes them worse, since it makes it so much harder to ask for help. I have a light in my living room on a vaulted ceiling that I cannot change myself and it has been that way for 4 whole months!! Your hose will be fine :-)

Tricia said...

Your children are blessed to have such a devoted mother.

Mei Mei s and Mayhem said...

complain away, we will be here to listen. I wish I lived closer to help out. {{HUGS}} my blog friend!!!

Heather said...

The thing is, when you complain on your blog, you still make me laugh with the WAY you complain; that is truly a gift. And it makes it easier for people to relate to you. We all have those days, but when you're alone, I'm sure those days are even harder.

My heart goes out to you, Denise. Please know you can bounce your complaints off of us blog-friends any ole time!

ps. Thanks for the tip about dogs and eggs. I'll remember that...

Margaret M said...

Denise,
I so related to this post. I don't know how you do it. It is hard enough being single Mom to 2 kids and I can't begin to imagine your life. I did not choose this life but am so much happier in it. This weekend alone had us at 4 Nutcracker performances (both kids dancing) with multiple costume changes, one Christmas parade and a tap dancing finale. Sunday was spent in our PJs and it was heavenly! Wishing you moments of 'heavenly' in your busy life!

Melissa said...

Complaining on my blog is therapy. I always feel bad about complaining because I don't want to come across as whiny, but sometimes you just need to put it out there. I feel like saying "It's my blog and I'll say whatever I want." I know how you feel. You may believe you have no right to complain, but it's important to get troubles off your chest sometimes. I'm big on needing my feelings validated. Call it insecurity, but I just need to know that other people go through some of the same feelings as I do. I enjoy reading your posts, Denise. You bless my heart with your transparency. It's easy for us to blog about the funny things, but it takes courage to share from your heart. Thanks for being courageous. I appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

I have dropped by before and I'm sorry to say, as much as I enjoy reading your blog, I have been too lazy to leave a comment. Reading your post today made me sit back in awe! I woke up feeling the same way today, and I have a husband, and a mother close by, and three less kids. We all need to vent, but sister you need some help. I hope someone near you reaches out to you and takes those kids at least once a month for an entire day. Can you imagine? We all need to refuel our batteries, and we all need down time. I get the part about choice, but if you think about it, we all choose our kids. That doesn't mean we cannot take breaks, get frustrated, complain (I like to call it venting), or ask for some help. Its the toughest most demanding job on this earth, and I do know this because I have worked two jobs and still it doesn't beat out motherhood. So give yourself a break, and have a pity party if you need it, no one is going to judge, and if they do, just offer them your shoes for a week, and I can guarantee they will not say another word. Have a good day, and take it easy on yourself.

Kat said...

Yep. What they said.

:-)

I still complain even though I have my husband to take over. And my mom who lives with us to help out.

Yeah. Still what they all said...

Kay Bratt said...

Yep, I agree. I hope someone who is near to you is reading this and can help facilitate some assistance! Don't be ashamed that you need some 'me' time--that is what friends and family want to do to support you, at least I hope they do and maybe they've thought you so independent that they haven't stepped in, but now can say "Hey! Here I am...what can I do today?"

Even if someone was there to run your errands once a week, if they didn't want to take on babysitting. Or if they want to babysit one morning a week to let you run errands. I wish I lived near to you, I miss hearing the tiny stomping around my house. I am usually here all alone all day, but then I remember the days of young kids and I can honestly say that I enjoy having lots of time to myself finally. But I get lonely! Humans are never fully satisfied...are we?

Kay Bratt said...

Yep, I agree. I hope someone who is near to you is reading this and can help facilitate some assistance! Don't be ashamed that you need some 'me' time--that is what friends and family want to do to support you, at least I hope they do and maybe they've thought you so independent that they haven't stepped in, but now can say "Hey! Here I am...what can I do today?"

Even if someone was there to run your errands once a week, if they didn't want to take on babysitting. Or if they want to babysit one morning a week to let you run errands. I wish I lived near to you, I miss hearing the tiny stomping around my house. I am usually here all alone all day, but then I remember the days of young kids and I can honestly say that I enjoy having lots of time to myself finally. But I get lonely! Humans are never fully satisfied...are we?

katrina said...

Thanks for posting. We feel very blessed and are really looking forward to traveling to pick Caroline up

Jewelz said...

I'm the hero! I moved the garden hos eto the side of the house for my mommy!




-Jewelz <3